7 Scathing Yelp Reviews Left By Donald Trump 

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This is satire folks. This does not imply endorsement by Yelp.

 

Donald Trump’s unrehearsed no-nonsense critiques of American policy have done wonders for our national dialogue, and he offers the same help to businesses online.
Here are seven brutally honest scathing Yelp reviews left by Donald Trump.
 Pepe’s Burrito Truck   New York City, NY

1star-665x150

1 / 5 stars

 

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These little trucks are all over the city, so I thought I’d see what the fuss is about. I said give me your most popular sandwich, and they hand me this sloppy lump in some sort of thin pita. I said “Hey, is this a joke!?” Anyway, the lawsuit is pending and INS is checking their immigration status.

 

 

 

 

7-Eleven  Milford, NH

1star-665x150

1 / 5 stars

 

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This place was a disaster. They can’t run a business to save their lives. The floor was a cheap linoleum, the sparking water selection was sub par, and they wouldn’t even break a thousand for me. BAD!

 

 

St. Patrick’s Cathedral New York City

1star-665x1501 / 5 stars

 

 

imagesI had to go to some kid’s baptism here once. Just AWFUL. Too much kneeling. After a while, I just quit following along. Nobody makes me kneel, and I told them so. This location is completely wasted on a business like theirs. If the Pope is selling, I could make him a great deal.

 

 

 

 

 

Riley’s Cafe Cedar Rapids, IA

1star-665x1501 / 5 stars

 

 

images (1)This place supposedly has the best breakfast in Iowa with old fashioned authentic Iowa charm. If that’s true, I don’t want any. TERRIBLE! As soon as I got my photo op, I was out of there. The campaign staffer that recommended this place to me has already been sent into the corn field.

 

 

 

 

 

Plaza Hotel New York City, NY

1star-665x1501 / 5 stars

 

 

download (2)From 1988 to 1995, this place was the height of classy New York hotels. The marble shone like a mirror and all the curtains were all a rich velvet. Excellent and savvy management. But these new owners have completely wrecked it. I mean really trashed the place up. It’s like someone took a beautiful classy lady and made her live in garbage for ten years. So sad. I wish I had just burned it for the insurance money.

 

 

 

 

Smithsonian National Zoological Park Washington D.C.

2Stars2 / 5 stars

 

 

download (3)Biggest problems: It’s full of foreigners; too much space is wasted on birds; and the kicker is they aren’t even charging admission. World class zoos demand world class prices, MORONS! Also, I think their wolves might be a little slow or something. After half an hour, hardly any of them acknowledged my dominance.

 

 

 

Shefield & Son Emergency Hair Preservation and Maintenance

Undisclosed Location

five-stars5 / 5 stars

 

 

s-l225These guys are PROS! Discreet, efficient, on-time. That’s what I hear anyway. I haven’t used them personally, but I from what I gather, they are the best in the business and give cash discounts so nothing shows up on your credit card. Again, very discrete.

 

 

 

For more information about future President Donald Trump, check out Trump’s America: The Complete Loser’s Guide. On Sale at a Favorite Bookstore near you.

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Donald Trump: Contender for Poet Laureate

Librarian of Congress Announces that after Juan Felipe Herrera fulfills his year as the Library’s 21st Poet Laureate Consultant in Poetry for 2015-2016 they are considering Donald Trump.

Juan Felipe Herrera is the current Poet Laureate

Juan Felipe Herrera is the current Poet Laureate

 

Juan Felipe Herrera was asked if he would give up his honor upon the discovery of Donald Trump’s Secret Diary of poetry. Herrera, the son of migrant workers,  declined comment.

Donald Trump rehearsing his acceptance speech

Donald Trump rehearsing his acceptance speech

 

 

Take A Peak At Donald Trump’s Secret Diary Of Poetry

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It’s a well known fact that Donald Trump has a way with words. In fact, he has the best words. But few understand the depth of his poetic soul. We’ve obtained an exclusive look at some of the works from Trump’s own secret diary of poetry. Perhaps it will help even a loser like you connect with the deep, introspective, really very rich man that is Donald Trump.

A Mile In My Hair

Walk a mile in my hair

See the things I see

Walk a mile in my hair

To understand where the Muslims need to be

Walk a mile in my hair

Healthy and strong like bull

Walk a mile in my hair

So rich my bank account just says “full”

 

Spinning, Twirling, Floating, Landing

Spinning as I lambaste the Dow

Blades atop a sleek carbon frame

Whirring until gravity bows

Because science is lame

 

Twirling like a tornado’s fury

Winding faster and faster

I’m important and in a hurry

Obama’s a complete disaster

"It's a Disaster!"

Obama’s a complete disaster

 

Floating steady in the sky

Hovering nice and slowly

Above all these losers I fly

They’re poor, so they can blow me

 

Landing onto my helipad

Settling like a giant steel dove

I owe my joy not to my dad

But to helicopters: my expensive, luxurious love

 

Roses Are Red (Hello, Ivanka)

Roses are garbage

Violets are trash

Sugar is sweet

So’s your sweet ass

 

Some Loser and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water

Jack fell down ’cause he’s a clown

He should’ve bought Trump-brand water

 

Yuge

Yuge

Fantastic, gigantic, so great

Incredible, unbelievable, you lightweight

Yuge

 

Rich, A Haiku

I am really rich

I am really really rich

I am very rich.

8 Donald Trump Medical Diagnoses That He Says are Pure Baloney

As is widely known, Donald Trump is in astonishing excellent health. READ MORE In fact, he is the healthiest, strongest person ever to run for president. But that doesn’t mean that there haven’t been doctors who’ve tried to tell him otherwise. Here are 8 serious medical diagnoses that Donald Trump has been given over the course of his illustrious life, and why, in his own words, they were complete baloney.

     1.Diagnosis: Color blindness

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Trump Says:

“Ridiculous. I can see more colors than anyone. Anyone. To me, the world is an ever-swirling rainbow kaleidoscope of beauty and wonder.”

     2. Diagnosis: Tourette’s

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Tourette’s is a condition, which starts in childhood characterized by uncontrollable repetitive movements or unwanted sounds (tics), such as repeatedly blinking the eyes, shrugging shoulders, or blurting out offensive words.

Trump Says:

“I say what’s on my mind. That’s not a disease – I’m rich as shitfuck so can say whatever the titballs I want. Pantyhose.”

     3.Diagnosis: Gonorrhea

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Trump Says:

“Sex with me is such a powerful, intense experience that no STD could survive it. It’s a miracle that the women do.”

     4. Diagnosis: Diabetes

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Trump Says:

“A disease for fatsos. I eat pizza with a fork to stay thin. Next.”

Photo Credit: By Thesupermat – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=15341631

     5.Diagnosis: Cholera

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Trump Says:

“Caused by contaminated tap water. I never touch the stuff. I drink only Trump Ice Natural Spring Water, the purest water in the world.”

Photo Credit:By Juliana Lopes from Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – Trump Ice, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=44306235

     6.Diagnosis: Malaria

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Trump Says:

“Out of respect for my achievements in the world of real estate, no mosquito has ever bitten me.”

     7. Diagnosis: Smallpox

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Trump Says:

“Smallpox? Please. Believe me, if I had pox, they would be the hugest, most impressive pox the world had ever seen.”

       8. Diagnosis: Cancer

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Trump Says:

“Wrong. I’m a Gemini. Get your facts straight. You’re worse than a journalist.”

For more incredible facts about Donald Trump’s perfect health, order your copy of Trump’s America: The Complete Loser’s Guide Today!

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